Surfing the edge of chaos

1st October 2007, 15.05
Big Blue Cafe in YHA Treyarnon

It’s been a while and a lot has happened, so where do I start? Well I guess starting from where I am is appropriate. I’m down at Ade’s in Cornwall, hanging out and stepping out of my life to try and get some perspective.

Since being back I feel like I’ve slipped into a hole. I’m back in London and nothing’s changed, but everything’s changed. I’ve been working my ass off in my job, getting paid more than I’ve ever been paid before and doing tremendously well (just been given a pay rise – not bad for 4 months work). But I’ve lost something along the way. Coming back was harder than I could possible have imagined. Yet the hardest part was that I didn’t even realise it.

It took an insane week of what seemed like my whole world crumbling around me to realise where I was. I realised that I needed to do something about it. I realised that Jen and I had gone as far as we could together and it was time to part ways – something I never thought would happen, but did. Immensely difficult, but at the same time right. It’s been horrible to deal with and the feeling of guilt is overwhelming sometimes. Trying to sort out stupid practical things has added to this. But in the grand scheme of things, I think we’ll both see that it is the right thing. We’ve had an amazing time together and nothing can change that or take that away.

So I’m homeless at the moment, staying at Hywel and Jo’s in Brixton (thanks guys!) and pondering my fate. Yet somehow, life feels like it’s turned a bit of a corner. I feel I’ve realised something and things are gradually coming back down and falling into place. The job is getting better (but still uncertain), I’ve been doing lots of new things (screenwriting, tango, going to the theatre, surfing) and feeling free. I’ve just had an offer accepted on a lovely flat in Brixton and that seems to be working out.

But that’s all short term – I’m still a little lost as to where I’m going and am trying to get back to just being. Something that’s eluded me for a while and the more I chase it, the further it gets. I look back over the last few years of life and have accomplished so much, but at the same time I haven’t moved at all on my spiritual journey. I feel like I’ve suddenly realised this and this feels like a transition, an awakening and period of growth. I’ll come through the other side and will have learnt something, but at the moment, I feel lost and doubtful.

So much has happened in the last few months that I can’t make sense of it. Coming here was supposed to be a break away and a chance to reflect and to just be. I’m not sure I’m capable of that at the moment, but I have to accept what life throws me and try to roll with it. Get back to the flow and rhythm. Try to catch the wave.