the powder room

Wednesday 6th February 2008, 2037
Sitting on the end of a small, rickety single bed in Priory Hall in Coventry

Wow. So, I’ve started my MA in Sustainable Enterprise and one of the things I wanted to do was write a blog of the experience and my personal journey through it. I’m now three days in and my head feels like it’s about to explode.

I’ve got so much to say, but I’m just not sure how to express it in a readable way! I guess starting from the start is a good way. So the MA is run through Coventry University’s Applied Research Centre for Human Security. What is human security I hear you ask? Good question – I won’t give an academic answer, but I guess it’s about an approach to global security that focusses on individuals rather than nation states. So instead of security being about maintaining your borders and repelling invaders, it’s about individuals’ sense of security and well-being. Freedom from fear, access to resources – the room to grow and develop as a human being.

The course itself is looking at the role of enterprise (any sort of organisation, be it business, charity, NGO or government) in human security and sustainability. It’s hard to summarise in a short sentence, and I’m eager to blurt out what’s rattling round my brain, I guess at it’s core is a question about the relative roles and responsibilities of government, business and civil society. It’s about understanding what sustainable enterprise is and what a sustainable enterprise economy looks like.

I think that’s enough of an intro, I apologise that it’s not particularly thorough and it’s not meant to be a comprehensive explanation, just a brief blurb off the top of my head. Anyways, so I’m here with some amazing people with really diverse backgrounds and approaches to life. It’s fantastic to be involved in this with these people. One of the things that Malcolm (McIntosh, who heads up ARCHS) and his team have adopted is a conversational learning approach, where we share in the co-creation of knowledge and understanding. In plain English – we talk about stuff and through it we learn and about each other and ourselves.

I’m here as part of my journey and general existential angst. I guess I’ve been interested in lots of this stuff for a while and the approach they’re adopting here, I guess 3 things in particular are unique to this course and perfect for me:

• A transdisciplinary approach to issues of globalisation, sustainability and social justice
• Complexity – seeing the world as a complex adaptive system
• An approach of creating knowledge through letting things go, through non-directed, conversational learning. One could call it the Tao

It’s been phenomenal to be immersed in this world with such creative and diverse people and really get my teeth into so many of these issues. I’ve been waiting a long time for this and finally feel armed enough to really get stuck in.

So many thoughts and ideas, I can’t really do them justice here. I guess they’ll fall out of my head into this blog over time, but just to try and capture some.

What does it mean to be human? One of the core themes that keep re-appearing is that of “what it means to be human”. Instinctively this means connections and the desire to connect – with each other, with our environment and ourself. It’s also about the ability to choose. Between positive and negative. I’m really interested in exploring this question and in particular about the role of energy in what it means to be human.

Complexity and Buddhist economics Another thought was about seeing sustainable enterprise as being about the long-term future of an organisation, enabling it to continue what it does ad infinitum and then taking Schumacher’s buddhist economics and asking – what if the role of corporations is to provide meaningful work? And progress was about doing thing better but not necessarily bigger. What world the world look like if we all enjoyed work and were truly content with it? Wouldn’t that create productivity, creativity and innovation? So, what if we saw sustainable enterprise as:

• creating work that people enjoy
• within planetary limits
• as a complex adaptive system that is organisationally closed, but energetically open?

The Black Gold Market We’ve just watched Black Gold, a fascinating documentary about the inequities and complexities of the global coffee market. One of the key points was about how low the coffee price was and how it is determined by New York traders. It got me thinking – why is the price so low? I’d be really interested to take my experience and knowledge of the emissions trading market and investigate coffee. What are the price fundamentals and what’s driving the low? How could farmers engage in the market (directly or indirectly) to influence it?

Action research as an instrument of change Coventry Uni is building a new climate change institute. ARCHS have tried to engage with them to get them to build it sustainably, using all the skills on offer at the Uni. They’ve not been able to convince the Uni to do so for a whole host of complex reasons – what are they? Are they perceived or real? How could they be overcome? What role do individuals and individual attitudes have to play in this? Could I achieve change by asking these research questions?

Thai synchronicity In another great example of synchronicity and serendipity – I’m off to Thailand (courtesy of my cousin Chris) to explore opportunities out there. Given their proximity to and relationship with Myanmar/Burma and the complexity of corporate citizenship in that context, it would be fascinating to look into that in more detail. What approach do supra-territorial corporations take to corporate citizenship in Thailand? What role do they have in terms of how Thailand engages with the Myanmar/Burma situation? What role do Thai businesses take in that? How does all of that relate to the inter-governmental relationship? A great opportunity to explore that and engage in a conversational grounded theory approach.

So you can see, my brain hurts. All these thoughts have been milling round in my head somewhere and now is suddenly the right time for them to bloom. I need to nurture and grow them until I can pick the right one and then work with it so that it can express its full self.

1st October 2007, 15.05
Big Blue Cafe in YHA Treyarnon

It’s been a while and a lot has happened, so where do I start? Well I guess starting from where I am is appropriate. I’m down at Ade’s in Cornwall, hanging out and stepping out of my life to try and get some perspective.

Since being back I feel like I’ve slipped into a hole. I’m back in London and nothing’s changed, but everything’s changed. I’ve been working my ass off in my job, getting paid more than I’ve ever been paid before and doing tremendously well (just been given a pay rise – not bad for 4 months work). But I’ve lost something along the way. Coming back was harder than I could possible have imagined. Yet the hardest part was that I didn’t even realise it.

It took an insane week of what seemed like my whole world crumbling around me to realise where I was. I realised that I needed to do something about it. I realised that Jen and I had gone as far as we could together and it was time to part ways – something I never thought would happen, but did. Immensely difficult, but at the same time right. It’s been horrible to deal with and the feeling of guilt is overwhelming sometimes. Trying to sort out stupid practical things has added to this. But in the grand scheme of things, I think we’ll both see that it is the right thing. We’ve had an amazing time together and nothing can change that or take that away.

So I’m homeless at the moment, staying at Hywel and Jo’s in Brixton (thanks guys!) and pondering my fate. Yet somehow, life feels like it’s turned a bit of a corner. I feel I’ve realised something and things are gradually coming back down and falling into place. The job is getting better (but still uncertain), I’ve been doing lots of new things (screenwriting, tango, going to the theatre, surfing) and feeling free. I’ve just had an offer accepted on a lovely flat in Brixton and that seems to be working out.

But that’s all short term – I’m still a little lost as to where I’m going and am trying to get back to just being. Something that’s eluded me for a while and the more I chase it, the further it gets. I look back over the last few years of life and have accomplished so much, but at the same time I haven’t moved at all on my spiritual journey. I feel like I’ve suddenly realised this and this feels like a transition, an awakening and period of growth. I’ll come through the other side and will have learnt something, but at the moment, I feel lost and doubtful.

So much has happened in the last few months that I can’t make sense of it. Coming here was supposed to be a break away and a chance to reflect and to just be. I’m not sure I’m capable of that at the moment, but I have to accept what life throws me and try to roll with it. Get back to the flow and rhythm. Try to catch the wave.

24th April 2007, 18.01
Sitting on the end of my bed in Sutton. Home.

Wow. So San Francisco was cool, not as great as I was expecting, but we had a fun time, just hanging out (and walking far too much!). Then suddenly it was over and Jen and I went our separate ways to the same place(!?). The flight home was very surreal, after managing to get all our luggage (and it was a LOT!) onto planes, I failed to sleep for the 11 flying hours, being sandwiched against a window and a fat Indian man whose arms squished over the controls for the in-flight entertainment. Then circling in a holding pattern over London and the most impressive approach to Heathrow I’ve seen, dropping past the Millenium Dome and right the way over Central London. As we touched down over London’s grey skies (would it be anything else?), a tear breached my eyes at seeing familiar houses and cars and greeness. Mum and Dad were there to pick me up (although they had to wait for over an hour as my bags took forever!) and then cram everything into a Nissan Micra (you’d be surprised what will fit), before driving home.

Perhaps it was all too much for me, but it seemed very ordinary, very mundane. I’ve spent the time hovering between apathy and total bewilderment as to what to do with myself. Maybe it’s the jetlag, maybe it’s being on my own for the first time in ages, maybe it’s nothing. I’m looking forward to starting work, but I feel a little like I’m in limbo and waiting for the next phase. Trying to organise myself and unpack, but quite frankly feel lost – it all just doesn’t seem real, at the moment, everything I’ve done for the past year seems not have happened. Everything’s changed, but nothing’s changed. It’ll all be grand in the end, but thought I’d share my thoughts!

20th February, 17.53
In the kitchen

Wow, what an epic day! So we had about an inch of fresh snow (not much, but enough!), Pete’s out here visiting and the sun is shining. Yesterday we went skiing in the afternoon and then today went riding all over the shop – trees, bumps, steeps and a bit of freestyle! I was having a storm today, riding really well through the trees and generally enjoying things.

So, thoughts have started to turn to what happens after the season, I’d really love to do another season, but although I love instructing, I struggle with the politics and hassle that comes with it, plus this life is not really sustainable in the long term, so I thought I’d explore my options for coming back to London. I registered my CV with a recruitment consultancy and by some remarkable stroke of fortune, the next day I had Entec Consulting (a top environmental consultancy) call me.

After what turned out to be two phone interviews with one of the Directors, they offered me a job as a senior consultant in their climate change team, with the aim of taking over the principal consultant role in 6 months. It’s a pretty good package and a fantastic opportunity as they are looking for someone to develop their climate change business. Even though I’ve got no consultancy experience, they’re really keen on me and want to put me through my paces in the first few months, with some fast track training and development. I’ve been thinking about it over the weekend and decided to take it, so I’ll be starting on the 1st May. The snowboard instructor option will be here for me if I decide that’s the route I’d like to take, but at the moment I think a return to London and working in a professional environment on an issue I really care about is the right choice. I have to make sure that I don’t fall back into the same unhappy lifestyle I was leading in my last job, but so far it seems a much more balanced existence. Plus it’ll pay for some long snow holidays!

4th April 2006, 15:24.
The faithful desk in Ashdown House. Slightly clearer now that I’ve spent an hour procrastinating and tidying it up.

With 50 working days to go before I leave this place and fly out to New Zealand, how am I feeling?
In a word mixed. In a few more – Scared. Confused. Excited. Expectant. Bored. Unsure. Doubting.

I’m bored of where I am now, the subject is interesting, but I’m feeling a little worn out and lacking in motivation. It feels like it’s time to move on, to experience something new and to explore what I want to do and where I want to be.

But it still feels quite risky to do that – I’m leaving career momentum, opportunity and certainty behind. It’s only for a few months, but I guess I’m scared I’ll regret it, that I’ll have handicapped my potential or my future by this.

As a result or possibly contributing separately, I’m beginning to feel unsure about this and whether it really is something that I really want to do. I’m not in the right physical shape at the moment and I’m not particularly driven to get myself back into shape. I’m not sure if I can afford it or whether there’s something else I would rather spend that money on. I’m worried about what it will mean for my relationship. I’m worried that it won’t be this amazing life-changing experience – that’ll it’ll just be a few months dossing about and then I’ll come back, maybe a bit fitter, a bit better at snowboarding, but essentially no different. I’m scared that I’ll go on this journey and find it’s a dead end, so then I have to retrace my steps and pick up my life from where I left it. Maybe I’m just trying to prove a point and rebelling for the sake of it.

Basically, I feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore and I’m beginning to doubt my instincts.

But then again, isn’t that why I’m doing this?

30th January 2006. 10:41.

A desk on a floor in Ashdown House, Victoria that closely resembles a call centre.

So, here we are then. I’ve decided to start a blog. Why am I starting a blog when I should be working and trying to crack the impenetrable issues around the inclusion of aviation into the EU Emissions Trading Scheme? Well, I’ve been feeling a certain malaise that I believe afflicts all twenty-somethings of my generation. A feeling that despite the affluence, stability and material possessions, something is not quite right.

I work in a job that people would die for, tackling one of the biggest challenges to mankind. I’m paid well and live in a nice flat in the heart of Balham. I have a beautiful girlfriend who understands me and doesn’t nag. I have a wonderful family who support and inspire me. I drive a nice car, have at least one week’s holiday a year, usually in an exotic destination. I’m fit and healthy, despite my regular socialising. But something’s not quite right in my soul.

I’m bored of the routine and the feeling that I’m somehow trapped in a giant maze, running around scrabbling towards some ill-defined goal. Maybe it’s just what happens when you hit the stage of life between formal education, with all its goals and pathways, and parenthood with its responsibility and selflessness, but I feel that life should be about more than the day-to-day grind, the relentless pursuit of a career (I’ve never understood why we call it that, is it because we spend most of it careering around?).

So, anyway, I guess this is all a long-winded way (years of civil service training is hard to overcome) of saying that I’ve decided to take control of my life and do something different.

Ever since I first strapped on a piece of wood to my feet and slid in a most ungainly manner down the slightest of… actually that’s a lie. I didn’t really enjoy snowboarding when I first tried it. Sure it was good fun, something a bit different, but I lived in fear of another face-plant or coxyx shattering impact. It wasn’t really until my second week of boarding, when it suddenly came together and I felt in flow that I caught the bug. The combination of mountains, snow and a basic form of transport powered only be natural forces was quite hypnotic. I love the almost meditative qualities of a focussed run, the feel of crisp snow beneath your feet, the rush of air past your freezing ears and the rosy glow that the biting wind leaves on your cheeks. So for one week a year (sometimes more), I’ve found my way out and a way to escape the drudgery of city life.

But one week has never seemed enough, just as I begin to feel in tune with it, it’s whipped away and replaced with an early morning, hungover crawl to the airport, sweating alcohol in a tin can that lands in the inevitably grey London skies. So I’ve decided to do a season, not just any old season mind you. I need a bit of structure and a way to improve, so I’ve opted to train as a snowboard instructor, an ideal way to combine my love of snowboarding with my love of sharing skills with other people. Oh, and it’s in New Zealand (Wanaka to be precise), for 3 months.

What am I hoping to get out of it? Space. Time. Freedom to think about what actually matters to me, about how I’d like to be remembered and about what the hell to do with myself and the precious gift of life. Challenge, a change, a sense of liberation and a feeling that I can take control of my life, that it’s not just about stepping over others in a desperate bid for recognition and promotion.

It’s not been an easy decision and it won’t be an easy 3 months. I’m moving to the total opposite side of the world from the love of my life, away from my friends, family and social circle. I’m leaving a great job. And I’m terrified, that I’m not good enough, that I’m not enough of an extreme thrill seeker, that I’ll hurt myself, that I won’t enjoy it. But it’s something I feel like I need to do. If it goes wrong, I’ll handle it somehow – that’s partly why I want to do it, it feels like a risk, a leap of faith (OK, it’s only 3 months in another country, but it’s a psychological thing). I keep thinking about looking back on this and how I want to view this point in my life. And one thing keeps running through my head, the last stanza in my favourite poem:

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less travelled by.
And that has made all the difference.”

Thanks Bob, that’ll keep me going.