It was the year that everything started. I knew everyone, I was playing badminton every day, running training sessions several times a week, volunteering for Nightline, writing for the student paper. 4 months later I went through the most incredible experience of my life, campaigning hard and eventually finding myself elected President. I had an emotional and spiritual growth spurt.

The rest of the decade has been a whirlwind. I met an incredible woman and shared wonderful times together. I learnt to dive, to snowboard, to climb, to use a camera, to tango, to raft, to love, to grieve. I discovered politics, encountered the UN and went inter-railing through Eastern Europe, returning to start work for the MOD.  I unexpectedly fell in love and landed my dream job. I bought a house and had succeeded in life, before asking myself too many questions. I quit my dream job and sold my house to chase rainbows in New Zealand, not knowing that NZ would lead to Colorado and coming home to a place I’d never been before.

I had the worst year of my life to date. Trapped in a job I hated, crashed out of love, experienced two friends dieing unexpectedly and before their time, I was homeless and directionless. I let the darkness overtake me and slipped into depression, before clawing my way out and getting my head back above water. I let someone into my life bringing light with them and with whom I properly shared my whole life for the first time.

I chased rainbows through Thailand, Coventry, Cornwall, South Africa, Nepal, Malaysia and Singapore and ended up in retreat in Japan, trying to prove something to myself, but learning far more than I’d planned to. I chose to come back and fell into the most intense experience of my life, chasing a global dream that ended in Copenhagen discord.

And now? I think I survived my Saturn Return, but I’m coming up to a fork in the road again, with a inkling that this is the first domino of the rest of my life. I’m a little wiser, a little more cautious, a little more cynical, a little more hopeful and a little less invincible.

This New Year’s Eve was spent at a last-minute gathering in my flat in Brixton with a smaller group of newer friends, drinking champagne, eating homemade bread and watching fireworks from my bedroom window. We tried to make paper lanterns with tealights and newspaper and ended up playing Cranium until 5am. Mark nearly set fire to himself. Kate fell down the steps. We were free. Life was fun, spontaneous and crazy.

A Bear of Very Little Brain

I’m going to try to put down what goes round in my head, my worldview, or at least the main thrust of it. It’s an ever evolving kaleidoscope of thought, but I felt it was time to try to share it more. But as I do so, I’m reminded of a quote from a great sage:

“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.”

We are a great moment of change. A period of instability, and in a complex living system, novelty emerges from critical points of instability.

How would I characterise this instability? It’s a feeling. A sense of powerlessness, a general malaise often disguised by escapism and consumerism, but we feel something is wrong and we’re starting to think about it. We work jobs that often have little meaning, that are a means to an end. We are passengers, flotsam in the river of life, slowly being washed out to sea. Our world, our creation, seems out of control – we’ve successfully created a complex living breathing system that is beyond our control. That’s not to say that it’s uncontrolled, it’s just that it is self controlled and although we are the system, we cannot direct it. Control is an emergent phenomena (Frijtof Capra has written some excellent work on these concepts and set up the Center for Ecoliteracy).

How does this lack of control manifest itself? Global inequality, rampant consumerism, war, violence, hunger, poverty, the faltering of the economic system (I won’t describe it as a collapse just yet), climate change. Giddens described it as a runaway world. To me, we are like cellular slime mould – a remarkable organism that will create beautiful complex patterns when a population is grown in a petri dish, patterns that increase in complexity and beauty as the individuals interact in ever more intertwined, networked ways. Eventually this breaks into a third dimension and the individual cells begin to behave like a whole – a 3d organism emerges (there’s a whole other ramble about the role of global communications technologies and the internet in faciliting this development, but I’ll save that for another time).

We as a species have multiplied and grown, interacting with each other in increasingly sophisticated ways until now, we are starting to emerge as a living single organism. That’s not to say that we’re all going to join hands and teach the world to sing, but we are part of an interconnected whole (DFID’s White Paper is but one acknowledgement of this).

This critical point of instability is exciting and worrying – it’s a uncertain and messy, out of our individual control. And the change, the novelty that will emerge, this sort of paradim shift is on the same scale as the Reformation and the Renaissance. Its scale and nature are so great that we cannot comprehend what the other side will look like, yet we will look back and wonder how on earth we thought like we do now. And, try as we might, we cannot plan it and mobilise the masses to bring it to life (although these efforts will be part of the change, just as carrying on will be part of the change – there’s so much more to be said about this, but again, it’ll have to wait). This next R of the world is driven by a cast of thousands of changes and socio-political drivers, yet in a way we can’t do anything about it, it is just happening. In some ways it’s a Reimagining of the world, a Rethinking of our view, but they both imply conscious thought and control. So is it ceding control, a Relaxation of our cartesian desires? Or is it simply a Realisation, a Revealing (or perhaps for those with a more biblical bent, a Revelation)?

Carry on

So having made one life decision, another one has presented itself. Just as I made the decision in my head to come back, two amazing opportunities cropped up. Ironically neither result from the proverbial career irons I shoved in the fire (see earlier post Why?), but both fill me with an excitement and passion that I haven’t felt for a long time without being strapped to a snowboard.

They are similar in that they relate to climate change and how it can change the way we do things for the better. But they are both very different in terms of working environment, culture and future directions. They both tick the boxes of contribution to something meaningful and personal/professional development.

One is at the nexus of climate change, business and the citizen-consumer. Hopefully I’m not breaking any confidentiality agreements, but it is in a large retailer – a very large one, dealing mainly with UK food, but expanding internationally and in non-food (specifically finance). If I was to re-enter the corporate world, this would be the organisation, both in terms of scale of impact, culture and board-level leadership. The job has a real immediacy to it. It is a fast-paced world, where my actions would have real direct implications for hundreds of thousands of people around the world. The job is about addressing climate change in a commercial environment. For me, it would be a very challenging context – I would be surrounded by people who are not necessarily climate-oriented or interested in climate change for the same reasons as I am, but that’s what makes this role absolutely at the heart of handling climate change in the real world.

The other, just as fair, is on another new frontier – the intersection between climate change, conflict and governance. Understanding how climate change links to conflict and using that to build peace – in particular, supporting inclusive, participatory approaches to decision-making as a central part of the solution to both challenges. Working in a very influential and well respected international NGO, with people who are passionate about the issues, have jobs driven by larger purpose and take time to consider the complexity of the problems. The role would be really engaging with the complexity of all three problems, through advocacy and direct contributions to real-world, on-the-ground projects in some very interesting and demanding places. It would have a longer-term, strategic bent, allowing me to grow into other areas that I care about and again, would be directly at the heart of my interest in climate change,

Perhaps it comes back to the question of contribution. I feel like I have so much to give and have been trying to find where to give it, feeling that I just don’t fit in the current job market – now suddenly there are two opportunities that fit me perfectly. I want to contribute to the changes that I feel are happening in the world, but where am I best placed to do it? But perhaps more importantly, which is right for me as an individual? My mind tells me that there is no such thing as a wrong decision, but I feel at a fork in the road and choosing a path is never simple.

It’s made me think back to the first post I wrote about heading to New Zealand (Thanks Bob – the themes of that poem keep coming back to me!). “What am I hoping to get out of it? Space. Time. Freedom to think about what actually matters to me, about how I’d like to be remembered and about what the hell to do with myself and the precious gift of life.” I’m beginning to feel like maybe I’m getting a handle on those questions, and although the decision may be hard, what’s important is that either of these jobs will help me along my road less travelled.

New shoots

Well I’ve been here in Japan for 5 months, the last 2 of which have been trying to sustain myself over the summer both financially and spiritually. And on both counts, I think it’s time to call it a day. I’ve decided to head back to the UK, temporarily, but depending on a few things, possibly for longer.

On reflection, at times, this has felt like a retreat, giving me space and perspective on the maelstrom of thoughts that filled my world (at other times, it’s been quite the opposite!). But now, I feel like Rabbit has finally stopped talking and I’m beginning to hear those 12 pots of Hunny calling me.

I can no longer hide from the little nagging voice in my head that speaks of our interconnectedness and moral imperatives. As a good friend once said “I’ve stepped in my conscience and I can’t seem to shake it off”. I want to contribute, play my part in what is an exciting time for the world. And now I feel ready to return to more direct efforts to make this world a better place, armed with a clearer sense of direction – I’m ready to channel my energy and experience into something bigger than myself.

I still yearn to live in the mountains and continue to grow as a snowboarder, but I’m confident that will resurface in future, probably in a different form. I’ve spent the last 5 years juggling two worlds, and perhaps now is the time to keep my eye on the other ball.

So, where in the world does this put me? Well, I came here seeking a better quality of life and found it in some ways. But I miss my friends, my family, my community. They’re all part of a well-balanced life and contribute to a sense of belonging, of meaning. I love meeting new people and discovering new places, but I miss some of the mundane, routine things that made up my life in London and I miss hanging out with old friends. So that points to being back in the UK again, but at the same time I’m still not ready to fix myself in the UK and there’s a world of opportunities out there. So time will tell as to where I end up (no surprises there then!).

Douzo

Some may see this decision as turning back, giving up. Or as indecision, caught between two worlds. Perhaps it is, and maybe I’m trying to create grander purpose behind my decisions or explain myself somehow, but it feels different to me.  To me it feels like a new phase of my life, moving forward, evolving, beginning.

Koi-noburi flying

I’ve always loved the Japanese carp flags (koi-noburi) and their futile yet graceful struggle against the wind, but until today I never knew why they were flown.

We’re coming to the end of Golden Week, a fantastic week for Japanese with 4 national holidays falling within a seven-day stretch. Midori no hi (みどりの日, Greenery Day, April 29), kenpou kinenbi (憲法記念日, Constitutional Memorial Day, May 3), kokumin no kyuujitsu (国民の休日, Citizen’s Holiday, May 4) and finally kodomo no hi (こどもの日, Children’s Day) – today.

Until 1948, the 5th day of the 5th month was known as tango no sekku (端午の節句). Tan means edge or ‘start of’ and go represents the 7th sign of the zodiac, which corresponds to the month of May. Sekku means seasonal festival. So it translates as a start of season (spring) festival and in ancient times was a celebration of new beginnings. But tango no sekku has come to mean Boy’s Festival – an auspicious day when parents pray for the health and success of their sons.

The carp was chosen as it is seen as the most spirited of fish, able to power its way up fast-flowing streams. It stands for courage and success in the face of adversity and is a symbol of manliness and the overcoming of life’s difficulties.

PS It’s interesting that although it’s been redesignated as Children’s Day, it still remains dominated by the tango no sekku traditions. There is a separate girls’ day, but it doesn’t have anywhere near as cool flags

I suppose I should explain this whole Japan thing really. Having been back in the UK for 18 months, trying to lead a ‘normal’ life, I finally had enough of office life, for a whole host of reasons. One way to sum it up is that I feel out of sync with the conventional workplace. A square peg in a grid of round holes. Stifled. But the most simple explanation is that it was making me miserable. Deeply so. So I’m leaving that life, sort of. I am torn between two worlds – one of trying to make a difference, change the world or whatever; the other about following my heart and seeking personal fulfillment. Is it possible to find a balance?

For me, the only course of action was to do something that makes my heart sing and keep open to opportunities. So I decided to go back to the mountains, shoved some proverbial career irons in the fire and let life take its course. Having applied late, I wasn’t very hopeful – then I got offered not one, but two jobs in Japan. I had one of those life moments where everything just falls into place to make something happen. Within 2 weeks, I had a job, booked my flight, let my flat out and got my visa. Fate? Wu wei wu? Chance? Does it matter – I’m off to a land with an average of 15m of snow each season! A land of bonsai, sushi, origami, cherry blossoms – all things I love – and finally getting the motivation to learn the language. Rock on. Sugoi desu ne?

What happens after the season? Who knows, we’ll see what the winds bring me, all I know is that I feel like I’m back on the right path for me, wherever it may lead.

The last rainbow I chased

Here we are again, on the eve of another adventure. I feel I should mark the occassion with a momentous entry, but I don’t feel ready to blog yet. I’ve been on another crazy ride these last few months and now find myself about to step out again – admittedly only for 5 weeks, but it’s another journey. Another quest to find something, myself, space, peace, resolve? Perspective?

I’m struggling with the words to express myself at the moment, but I’m reminded of PG Wodehouse:
“He felt like a man who, chasing rainbows, has had one of them suddenly turn and bite him in the leg”

Thanks Banksy