Brixton reflection

Brixton underground station, London.
This is the wonderful part of South London that I am proud to call home. It’s the morning rush hour and a torrent of humanity pours through the mass of morning activity – market traders setting up for the day, incense sellers outside Iceland and fluorescent jacketed newspaper distributors. It snakes along Brixton High Street, flowing into the great yawning mouth of the station.

Nestled at the end of the Victoria underground line, Brixton enjoys the luxury of always having at least one train waiting at the bottom of the grubby escalator that looks permanently in a state of repair. People rush through, grabbing a ubiquitous free paper, shaking off leaflet touts and queuing like sheep to beep their Oyster cards against the yellow pad, awaiting their judgement. Occasionally some poor soul drops their pass or has run out of credit causing an almost irrevocable blockage. Smartly suited men and power dressing women mutter angrily or tut loudly – such is their thirst to get to work. The whole scene is offset by the tranquil overtones of Bach or Vivaldi, soothing frayed tempers and zombie sheep.

After the commuter equivalent of a waterfall, the survivors scurry down the escalator pausing only to examine both trains and decide which is leaving first. Looks like left wins today. Reaching the bottom, I turn right.

- melon baller
- curved bi-directional grapefruit knife
- broken egg timer
- 14 sports-type bottle tops
- 3 tea strainers
- a curved cheese knife
- 14 jam jar lids
- 8 assorted Tupperware lids
- an angel shaped cookie cutter
- 2 ‘Cannies’ closures for open drinks cans
- novelty claw shaped crab hammer
- 2 cunningly resealable milk bottle tops
- a mini-whisk
- a pickled onion fork
- 1 plastic disposable fork
- a medicine dispenser cup

Unique utensils

BUT the highlight was…

- A collection of teaspoons from various world airlines (Left-Right: Thai, JAL, Qantas?, United, Continental, British Airways, Qantas. On the top: Malaysian,
Singapore Airlines)

Teaspoons from various airlines

Cultural heritage in a cutlery drawer. Fantastic.

Carry on

So having made one life decision, another one has presented itself. Just as I made the decision in my head to come back, two amazing opportunities cropped up. Ironically neither result from the proverbial career irons I shoved in the fire (see earlier post Why?), but both fill me with an excitement and passion that I haven’t felt for a long time without being strapped to a snowboard.

They are similar in that they relate to climate change and how it can change the way we do things for the better. But they are both very different in terms of working environment, culture and future directions. They both tick the boxes of contribution to something meaningful and personal/professional development.

One is at the nexus of climate change, business and the citizen-consumer. Hopefully I’m not breaking any confidentiality agreements, but it is in a large retailer – a very large one, dealing mainly with UK food, but expanding internationally and in non-food (specifically finance). If I was to re-enter the corporate world, this would be the organisation, both in terms of scale of impact, culture and board-level leadership. The job has a real immediacy to it. It is a fast-paced world, where my actions would have real direct implications for hundreds of thousands of people around the world. The job is about addressing climate change in a commercial environment. For me, it would be a very challenging context – I would be surrounded by people who are not necessarily climate-oriented or interested in climate change for the same reasons as I am, but that’s what makes this role absolutely at the heart of handling climate change in the real world.

The other, just as fair, is on another new frontier – the intersection between climate change, conflict and governance. Understanding how climate change links to conflict and using that to build peace – in particular, supporting inclusive, participatory approaches to decision-making as a central part of the solution to both challenges. Working in a very influential and well respected international NGO, with people who are passionate about the issues, have jobs driven by larger purpose and take time to consider the complexity of the problems. The role would be really engaging with the complexity of all three problems, through advocacy and direct contributions to real-world, on-the-ground projects in some very interesting and demanding places. It would have a longer-term, strategic bent, allowing me to grow into other areas that I care about and again, would be directly at the heart of my interest in climate change,

Perhaps it comes back to the question of contribution. I feel like I have so much to give and have been trying to find where to give it, feeling that I just don’t fit in the current job market – now suddenly there are two opportunities that fit me perfectly. I want to contribute to the changes that I feel are happening in the world, but where am I best placed to do it? But perhaps more importantly, which is right for me as an individual? My mind tells me that there is no such thing as a wrong decision, but I feel at a fork in the road and choosing a path is never simple.

It’s made me think back to the first post I wrote about heading to New Zealand (Thanks Bob – the themes of that poem keep coming back to me!). “What am I hoping to get out of it? Space. Time. Freedom to think about what actually matters to me, about how I’d like to be remembered and about what the hell to do with myself and the precious gift of life.” I’m beginning to feel like maybe I’m getting a handle on those questions, and although the decision may be hard, what’s important is that either of these jobs will help me along my road less travelled.

New shoots

Well I’ve been here in Japan for 5 months, the last 2 of which have been trying to sustain myself over the summer both financially and spiritually. And on both counts, I think it’s time to call it a day. I’ve decided to head back to the UK, temporarily, but depending on a few things, possibly for longer.

On reflection, at times, this has felt like a retreat, giving me space and perspective on the maelstrom of thoughts that filled my world (at other times, it’s been quite the opposite!). But now, I feel like Rabbit has finally stopped talking and I’m beginning to hear those 12 pots of Hunny calling me.

I can no longer hide from the little nagging voice in my head that speaks of our interconnectedness and moral imperatives. As a good friend once said “I’ve stepped in my conscience and I can’t seem to shake it off”. I want to contribute, play my part in what is an exciting time for the world. And now I feel ready to return to more direct efforts to make this world a better place, armed with a clearer sense of direction – I’m ready to channel my energy and experience into something bigger than myself.

I still yearn to live in the mountains and continue to grow as a snowboarder, but I’m confident that will resurface in future, probably in a different form. I’ve spent the last 5 years juggling two worlds, and perhaps now is the time to keep my eye on the other ball.

So, where in the world does this put me? Well, I came here seeking a better quality of life and found it in some ways. But I miss my friends, my family, my community. They’re all part of a well-balanced life and contribute to a sense of belonging, of meaning. I love meeting new people and discovering new places, but I miss some of the mundane, routine things that made up my life in London and I miss hanging out with old friends. So that points to being back in the UK again, but at the same time I’m still not ready to fix myself in the UK and there’s a world of opportunities out there. So time will tell as to where I end up (no surprises there then!).

Douzo

Some may see this decision as turning back, giving up. Or as indecision, caught between two worlds. Perhaps it is, and maybe I’m trying to create grander purpose behind my decisions or explain myself somehow, but it feels different to me.  To me it feels like a new phase of my life, moving forward, evolving, beginning.

A fitting metaphor...

OK, so in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve changed my website! It’s a bit more streamlined now and you can comment on blog entries too.

I’ve had the site for a while and what started as a sandbox for messing around with web technology and design has mutated into a slightly navel-gazing blog. So I thought I’d update it to reflect that – but also have a think about why I have this site in the first place.

I guess it’s been partly to keep people up-to-date with the maelstrom of my life, but also was a vent, an outlet for voice. Given the way I look at life, it’s ended up being quite ponderous and introspective/angsty, which is fine (aside from convincing my parents that I’m either a) on drugs or b) losing my marbles), but I want to include more of the mundane too in an attempt to dispel the impression that I’m just an angst-ridden hermit (for right or wrong!).

So, what is it now? Well, I’m gonna try and embrace the blogging tradition (is it one yet?) and blog more regularly, hopefully with slightly less esoteric updates and more trivial blatherings from my abstract mind.

The last rainbow I chased

Here we are again, on the eve of another adventure. I feel I should mark the occassion with a momentous entry, but I don’t feel ready to blog yet. I’ve been on another crazy ride these last few months and now find myself about to step out again – admittedly only for 5 weeks, but it’s another journey. Another quest to find something, myself, space, peace, resolve? Perspective?

I’m struggling with the words to express myself at the moment, but I’m reminded of PG Wodehouse:
“He felt like a man who, chasing rainbows, has had one of them suddenly turn and bite him in the leg”

So, I’m checking my site yesterday, as I sometimes do and am greeted with a rather random animation of sheep jumping a fence to some Allison Krauss. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of random animation and indeed of ‘O Brother Where Art Thou’, but that’s not what I’ve come to expect from my own front page. I’ve never been hacked before and I have to say it was an unpleasant experience that left me feeling violated, yet I also found it strangely exhilarating – like a hidden assailant had slapped my face and thrown down the virtual gauntlet, daring me to figure out how they did it. So, never one to back down from a challenge, I duly got out my best deerstalker and began some detective work.

Elementary, my dear Watson

First thing was to start from the evidence at the scene of the crime – checking the source code of the defaced page, I could see that it linked to another page. So I had a wee look (http://www.caprazates.org/ – not sure I should really give them the pleasure of a link, but hey) – which leads to a Turkish website (if anyone could translate, it would be much appreciated – Babelfish only goes so far!). Great, well now I knew my assailant’s identity, but it didn’t take me any further. So it was back to the drawing board.

Ok, so they’d basically changed my main template to show their stupid page. How had they done this? Well, it was one of 3 things:

1. I’d done something stupid and left permissions open for them to upload a file
2. My web hosts (Easily) had done something stupid and left a hold for them to upload a file
3. The CMS I’m using (Joomla) has a security hole

The most likely option to me, as an amateur systems administrator, was that I had done something stupid, but I thought I’d check Easily and Joomla’s forums for any indications. After some digging, I found out that there was indeed a security flaw with Joomla (http://developer.joomla.org/security/news/241-20080801-core-password-remind-functionality.html). Haha! Relieved it wasn’t my fault, I breathed a sigh of relief. Now to figure out what they did

Well I knew from the date of the defaced page that the perps (always wanted to use that word – CSI is an educational programme) were in around 16th August at 1.37am, so I checked my web logs and indeed found some miscreant had come in and messed stuff around. Without getting techy, they basically changed my password, logged into the site and changed the front page. Bastards.

The moral of the story

So having solved the mystery of my hackage and the intellectual challenge, my thoughts turned to justice (actually, they turned to revenge first, but then I thought probably best not to take on people who do this sort of stuff – it’s a bit like poking a bully in the chest). In the absence of internet police, what could I do? I couldn’t have the person arrested. I couldn’t fine them. I couldn’t even ring them up and shout down the phone. All I could really do was email them a strongly worded message, which I didn’t really want to do in case they tried something nastier on my site. I felt like I’d been mugged, but had retrieved my belongings, so somehow that’s ok and my mugger could go on doing what they liked.

Thoughts drifted to self-pity – Why me? How did they find me? Was it random? Or was it a deliberate plot against me in particular? It turns out they had used Google to find a specific page on my site and then hacked in. They must have gone through hitting other sites on the list and I was just another. So I didn’t even have the dignity of being a specific target. I was just another anonymous site on the shopping list of someone with too much time on their hands.

So where did that leave me? I was on a hitlist, I’d been hit, but I knew what had happened and had fixed the problem. So now what? I now knew enough to go and hack someone else’s website. Oooh, the mischief I could cause… but NO, then I’d be as bad as them – worse even, cos I didn’t even come up with it myself. Instead, and in a small attempt to live up to Gandhian ideals, I decided I should beat this virtual sword into a ploughshare (although that’s a biblical quote, so I’m mixing my philosophy here!).

So, in ‘My Name is Earl’ style, I’m working through my list and letting them all know. If you’re running a site using Joomla 1.5, then I suggest you upgrade to Joomla 1.5.6 ASAP. And if you’re Mr/Mrs/Ms Turkish… get bent.

Thanks Banksy

Wow. So, I’ve started my MA in Sustainable Enterprise and one of the things I wanted to do was write a blog of the experience and my personal journey through it. I’m now three days in and my head feels like it’s about to explode.

I’ve got so much to say, but I’m just not sure how to express it in a readable way! I guess starting from the start is a good way. So the MA is run through Coventry University’s Applied Research Centre for Human Security. What is human security I hear you ask? Good question – I won’t give an academic answer, but I guess it’s about an approach to global security that focusses on individuals rather than nation states. So instead of security being about maintaining your borders and repelling invaders, it’s about individuals’ sense of security and well-being. Freedom from fear, access to resources – the room to grow and develop as a human being.

The course itself is looking at the role of enterprise (any sort of organisation, be it business, charity, NGO or government) in human security and sustainability. It’s hard to summarise in a short sentence, and I’m eager to blurt out what’s rattling round my brain, I guess at it’s core is a question about the relative roles and responsibilities of government, business and civil society. It’s about understanding what sustainable enterprise is and what a sustainable enterprise economy looks like.

I think that’s enough of an intro, I apologise that it’s not particularly thorough and it’s not meant to be a comprehensive explanation, just a brief blurb off the top of my head. Anyways, so I’m here with some amazing people with really diverse backgrounds and approaches to life. It’s fantastic to be involved in this with these people. One of the things that Malcolm (McIntosh, who heads up ARCHS) and his team have adopted is a conversational learning approach, where we share in the co-creation of knowledge and understanding. In plain English – we talk about stuff and through it we learn and about each other and ourselves.

I’m here as part of my journey and general existential angst. I guess I’ve been interested in lots of this stuff for a while and the approach they’re adopting here, I guess 3 things in particular are unique to this course and perfect for me:

• A transdisciplinary approach to issues of globalisation, sustainability and social justice
• Complexity – seeing the world as a complex adaptive system
• An approach of creating knowledge through letting things go, through non-directed, conversational learning. One could call it the Tao

It’s been phenomenal to be immersed in this world with such creative and diverse people and really get my teeth into so many of these issues. I’ve been waiting a long time for this and finally feel armed enough to really get stuck in.

So many thoughts and ideas, I can’t really do them justice here. I guess they’ll fall out of my head into this blog over time, but just to try and capture some.

What does it mean to be human? One of the core themes that keep re-appearing is that of “what it means to be human”. Instinctively this means connections and the desire to connect – with each other, with our environment and ourself. It’s also about the ability to choose. Between positive and negative. I’m really interested in exploring this question and in particular about the role of energy in what it means to be human.

Complexity and Buddhist economics Another thought was about seeing sustainable enterprise as being about the long-term future of an organisation, enabling it to continue what it does ad infinitum and then taking Schumacher’s buddhist economics and asking – what if the role of corporations is to provide meaningful work? And progress was about doing thing better but not necessarily bigger. What world the world look like if we all enjoyed work and were truly content with it? Wouldn’t that create productivity, creativity and innovation? So, what if we saw sustainable enterprise as:

• creating work that people enjoy
• within planetary limits
• as a complex adaptive system that is organisationally closed, but energetically open?

The Black Gold Market We’ve just watched Black Gold, a fascinating documentary about the inequities and complexities of the global coffee market. One of the key points was about how low the coffee price was and how it is determined by New York traders. It got me thinking – why is the price so low? I’d be really interested to take my experience and knowledge of the emissions trading market and investigate coffee. What are the price fundamentals and what’s driving the low? How could farmers engage in the market (directly or indirectly) to influence it?

Action research as an instrument of change Coventry Uni is building a new climate change institute. ARCHS have tried to engage with them to get them to build it sustainably, using all the skills on offer at the Uni. They’ve not been able to convince the Uni to do so for a whole host of complex reasons – what are they? Are they perceived or real? How could they be overcome? What role do individuals and individual attitudes have to play in this? Could I achieve change by asking these research questions?

Thai synchronicity In another great example of synchronicity and serendipity – I’m off to Thailand (courtesy of my cousin Chris) to explore opportunities out there. Given their proximity to and relationship with Myanmar/Burma and the complexity of corporate citizenship in that context, it would be fascinating to look into that in more detail. What approach do supra-territorial corporations take to corporate citizenship in Thailand? What role do they have in terms of how Thailand engages with the Myanmar/Burma situation? What role do Thai businesses take in that? How does all of that relate to the inter-governmental relationship? A great opportunity to explore that and engage in a conversational grounded theory approach.

So you can see, my brain hurts. All these thoughts have been milling round in my head somewhere and now is suddenly the right time for them to bloom. I need to nurture and grow them until I can pick the right one and then work with it so that it can express its full self.

Haven’t blogged for a while and thought I’d give it a go, but somehow I just don’t know how to begin anymore. Thoughts swimming round my head, life on the up, 2007 was Saturn returned big style, but 2008 seems full of hope, promise and opportunity.

Had our Sabb reunion on Friday and it was fantastic to see everyone again – I felt so proud to see how great the Union is and how its really thriving. Being with other Sabbs re-energised me and reminded me of how I used to be. I can’t believe that was 7 years ago. I feel like it was such a high and I’m still looking for a way to get back there. But lots of thoughts have been triggered and are tumbling out around me. I don’t know what this year holds, but I’m finally beginning to feel like I’m coming back to the centre again.