Today I cleaned out my Mum’s cutlery drawer (yes, that’s right – a tidy cutlery drawer is a mark of civilisation. And too much time on your hands) and found out everything you need to know about what it means to be Chinese. See if you can spot: (more…)
Carry on
So having made one life decision, another one has presented itself. Just as I made the decision in my head to come back, two amazing opportunities cropped up. Ironically neither result from the proverbial career irons I shoved in the fire (see earlier post Why?), but both fill me with an excitement and passion that I haven’t felt for a long time without being strapped to a snowboard. (more…)
New shoots
Well I’ve been here in Japan for 5 months, the last 2 of which have been trying to sustain myself over the summer both financially and spiritually. And on both counts, I think it’s time to call it a day. I’ve decided to head back to the UK, temporarily, but depending on a few things, possibly for longer.
A fitting metaphor...
OK, so in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve changed my website! It’s a bit more streamlined now and you can comment on blog entries too.
I’ve had the site for a while and what started as a sandbox for messing around with web technology and design has mutated into a slightly navel-gazing blog. So I thought I’d update it to reflect that – but also have a think about why I have this site in the first place.
I guess it’s been partly to keep people up-to-date with the maelstrom of my life, but also was a vent, an outlet for voice. Given the way I look at life, it’s ended up being quite ponderous and introspective/angsty, which is fine (aside from convincing my parents that I’m either a) on drugs or b) losing my marbles), but I want to include more of the mundane too in an attempt to dispel the impression that I’m just an angst-ridden hermit (for right or wrong!).
So, what is it now? Well, I’m gonna try and embrace the blogging tradition (is it one yet?) and blog more regularly, hopefully with slightly less esoteric updates and more trivial blatherings from my abstract mind.
Wednesday 29 October 2008, 23.39
Lying across my bed
The last rainbow I chased
Here we are again, on the eve of another adventure. I feel I should mark the occassion with a momentous entry, but I don’t feel ready to blog yet. I’ve been on another crazy ride these last few months and now find myself about to step out again – admittedly only for 5 weeks, but it’s another journey. Another quest to find something, myself, space, peace, resolve? Perspective?
I’m struggling with the words to express myself at the moment, but I’m reminded of PG Wodehouse:
“He felt like a man who, chasing rainbows, has had one of them suddenly turn and bite him in the leg”
Thursday 21 August 2008, 10.10
Sitting in bed, feeling smug
So, I’m checking my site yesterday, as I sometimes do and am greeted with a rather random animation of sheep jumping a fence to some Allison Krauss. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of random animation and indeed of ‘O Brother Where Art Thou’, but that’s not what I’ve come to expect from my own front page. I’ve never been hacked before and I have to say it was an unpleasant experience that left me feeling violated, yet I also found it strangely exhilarating – like a hidden assailant had slapped my face and thrown down the virtual gauntlet, daring me to figure out how they did it. So, never one to back down from a challenge, I duly got out my best deerstalker and began some detective work.
First thing was to start from the evidence at the scene of the crime – checking the source code of the defaced page, I could see that it linked to another page. So I had a wee look (http://www.caprazates.org/ – not sure I should really give them the pleasure of a link, but hey) – which leads to a Turkish website (if anyone could translate, it would be much appreciated – Babelfish only goes so far!). Great, well now I knew my assailant’s identity, but it didn’t take me any further. So it was back to the drawing board.
Ok, so they’d basically changed my main template to show their stupid page. How had they done this? Well, it was one of 3 things:
The most likely option to me, as an amateur systems administrator, was that I had done something stupid, but I thought I’d check Easily and Joomla’s forums for any indications. After some digging, I found out that there was indeed a security flaw with Joomla (http://developer.joomla.org/security/news/241-20080801-core-password-remind-functionality.html). Haha! Relieved it wasn’t my fault, I breathed a sigh of relief. Now to figure out what they did
Well I knew from the date of the defaced page that the perps (always wanted to use that word – CSI is an educational programme) were in around 16th August at 1.37am, so I checked my web logs and indeed found some miscreant had come in and messed stuff around. Without getting techy, they basically changed my password, logged into the site and changed the front page. Bastards.
So having solved the mystery of my hackage and the intellectual challenge, my thoughts turned to justice (actually, they turned to revenge first, but then I thought probably best not to take on people who do this sort of stuff – it’s a bit like poking a bully in the chest). In the absence of internet police, what could I do? I couldn’t have the person arrested. I couldn’t fine them. I couldn’t even ring them up and shout down the phone. All I could really do was email them a strongly worded message, which I didn’t really want to do in case they tried something nastier on my site. I felt like I’d been mugged, but had retrieved my belongings, so somehow that’s ok and my mugger could go on doing what they liked.
Thoughts drifted to self-pity – Why me? How did they find me? Was it random? Or was it a deliberate plot against me in particular? It turns out they had used Google to find a specific page on my site and then hacked in. They must have gone through hitting other sites on the list and I was just another. So I didn’t even have the dignity of being a specific target. I was just another anonymous site on the shopping list of someone with too much time on their hands.
So where did that leave me? I was on a hitlist, I’d been hit, but I knew what had happened and had fixed the problem. So now what? I now knew enough to go and hack someone else’s website. Oooh, the mischief I could cause… but NO, then I’d be as bad as them – worse even, cos I didn’t even come up with it myself. Instead, and in a small attempt to live up to Gandhian ideals, I decided I should beat this virtual sword into a ploughshare (although that’s a biblical quote, so I’m mixing my philosophy here!).
So, in ‘My Name is Earl’ style, I’m working through my list and letting them all know. If you’re running a site using Joomla 1.5, then I suggest you upgrade to Joomla 1.5.6 ASAP. And if you’re Mr/Mrs/Ms Turkish… get bent.
I haven’t blogged in a while as life seems to have taken over again, but this picture pretty much sums up how I’m feeling at the moment.
Thanks Banksy
Wednesday 6th February 2008, 2037
Sitting on the end of a small, rickety single bed in Priory Hall in Coventry
Wow. So, I’ve started my MA in Sustainable Enterprise and one of the things I wanted to do was write a blog of the experience and my personal journey through it. I’m now three days in and my head feels like it’s about to explode.
I’ve got so much to say, but I’m just not sure how to express it in a readable way! I guess starting from the start is a good way. So the MA is run through Coventry University’s Applied Research Centre for Human Security. What is human security I hear you ask? Good question – I won’t give an academic answer, but I guess it’s about an approach to global security that focusses on individuals rather than nation states. So instead of security being about maintaining your borders and repelling invaders, it’s about individuals’ sense of security and well-being. Freedom from fear, access to resources – the room to grow and develop as a human being.
The course itself is looking at the role of enterprise (any sort of organisation, be it business, charity, NGO or government) in human security and sustainability. It’s hard to summarise in a short sentence, and I’m eager to blurt out what’s rattling round my brain, I guess at it’s core is a question about the relative roles and responsibilities of government, business and civil society. It’s about understanding what sustainable enterprise is and what a sustainable enterprise economy looks like.
I think that’s enough of an intro, I apologise that it’s not particularly thorough and it’s not meant to be a comprehensive explanation, just a brief blurb off the top of my head. Anyways, so I’m here with some amazing people with really diverse backgrounds and approaches to life. It’s fantastic to be involved in this with these people. One of the things that Malcolm (McIntosh, who heads up ARCHS) and his team have adopted is a conversational learning approach, where we share in the co-creation of knowledge and understanding. In plain English – we talk about stuff and through it we learn and about each other and ourselves.
I’m here as part of my journey and general existential angst. I guess I’ve been interested in lots of this stuff for a while and the approach they’re adopting here, I guess 3 things in particular are unique to this course and perfect for me:
It’s been phenomenal to be immersed in this world with such creative and diverse people and really get my teeth into so many of these issues. I’ve been waiting a long time for this and finally feel armed enough to really get stuck in.
So many thoughts and ideas, I can’t really do them justice here. I guess they’ll fall out of my head into this blog over time, but just to try and capture some.
What does it mean to be human? One of the core themes that keep re-appearing is that of “what it means to be human”. Instinctively this means connections and the desire to connect – with each other, with our environment and ourself. It’s also about the ability to choose. Between positive and negative. I’m really interested in exploring this question and in particular about the role of energy in what it means to be human.
Complexity and Buddhist economics Another thought was about seeing sustainable enterprise as being about the long-term future of an organisation, enabling it to continue what it does ad infinitum and then taking Schumacher’s buddhist economics and asking – what if the role of corporations is to provide meaningful work? And progress was about doing thing better but not necessarily bigger. What world the world look like if we all enjoyed work and were truly content with it? Wouldn’t that create productivity, creativity and innovation? So, what if we saw sustainable enterprise as:
The Black Gold Market We’ve just watched Black Gold, a fascinating documentary about the inequities and complexities of the global coffee market. One of the key points was about how low the coffee price was and how it is determined by New York traders. It got me thinking – why is the price so low? I’d be really interested to take my experience and knowledge of the emissions trading market and investigate coffee. What are the price fundamentals and what’s driving the low? How could farmers engage in the market (directly or indirectly) to influence it?
Action research as an instrument of change Coventry Uni is building a new climate change institute. ARCHS have tried to engage with them to get them to build it sustainably, using all the skills on offer at the Uni. They’ve not been able to convince the Uni to do so for a whole host of complex reasons – what are they? Are they perceived or real? How could they be overcome? What role do individuals and individual attitudes have to play in this? Could I achieve change by asking these research questions?
Thai synchronicity In another great example of synchronicity and serendipity – I’m off to Thailand (courtesy of my cousin Chris) to explore opportunities out there. Given their proximity to and relationship with Myanmar/Burma and the complexity of corporate citizenship in that context, it would be fascinating to look into that in more detail. What approach do supra-territorial corporations take to corporate citizenship in Thailand? What role do they have in terms of how Thailand engages with the Myanmar/Burma situation? What role do Thai businesses take in that? How does all of that relate to the inter-governmental relationship? A great opportunity to explore that and engage in a conversational grounded theory approach.
So you can see, my brain hurts. All these thoughts have been milling round in my head somewhere and now is suddenly the right time for them to bloom. I need to nurture and grow them until I can pick the right one and then work with it so that it can express its full self.
13 January 2008, 22.19
Sitting on my bed in Brixton, listening to Gotan Project
Haven’t blogged for a while and thought I’d give it a go, but somehow I just don’t know how to begin anymore. Thoughts swimming round my head, life on the up, 2007 was Saturn returned big style, but 2008 seems full of hope, promise and opportunity.
Had our Sabb reunion on Friday and it was fantastic to see everyone again – I felt so proud to see how great the Union is and how its really thriving. Being with other Sabbs re-energised me and reminded me of how I used to be. I can’t believe that was 7 years ago. I feel like it was such a high and I’m still looking for a way to get back there. But lots of thoughts have been triggered and are tumbling out around me. I don’t know what this year holds, but I’m finally beginning to feel like I’m coming back to the centre again.
1st October 2007, 15.05
Big Blue Cafe in YHA Treyarnon
It’s been a while and a lot has happened, so where do I start? Well I guess starting from where I am is appropriate. I’m down at Ade’s in Cornwall, hanging out and stepping out of my life to try and get some perspective.
Since being back I feel like I’ve slipped into a hole. I’m back in London and nothing’s changed, but everything’s changed. I’ve been working my ass off in my job, getting paid more than I’ve ever been paid before and doing tremendously well (just been given a pay rise – not bad for 4 months work). But I’ve lost something along the way. Coming back was harder than I could possible have imagined. Yet the hardest part was that I didn’t even realise it.
It took an insane week of what seemed like my whole world crumbling around me to realise where I was. I realised that I needed to do something about it. I realised that Jen and I had gone as far as we could together and it was time to part ways – something I never thought would happen, but did. Immensely difficult, but at the same time right. It’s been horrible to deal with and the feeling of guilt is overwhelming sometimes. Trying to sort out stupid practical things has added to this. But in the grand scheme of things, I think we’ll both see that it is the right thing. We’ve had an amazing time together and nothing can change that or take that away.
So I’m homeless at the moment, staying at Hywel and Jo’s in Brixton (thanks guys!) and pondering my fate. Yet somehow, life feels like it’s turned a bit of a corner. I feel I’ve realised something and things are gradually coming back down and falling into place. The job is getting better (but still uncertain), I’ve been doing lots of new things (screenwriting, tango, going to the theatre, surfing) and feeling free. I’ve just had an offer accepted on a lovely flat in Brixton and that seems to be working out.
But that’s all short term – I’m still a little lost as to where I’m going and am trying to get back to just being. Something that’s eluded me for a while and the more I chase it, the further it gets. I look back over the last few years of life and have accomplished so much, but at the same time I haven’t moved at all on my spiritual journey. I feel like I’ve suddenly realised this and this feels like a transition, an awakening and period of growth. I’ll come through the other side and will have learnt something, but at the moment, I feel lost and doubtful.
So much has happened in the last few months that I can’t make sense of it. Coming here was supposed to be a break away and a chance to reflect and to just be. I’m not sure I’m capable of that at the moment, but I have to accept what life throws me and try to roll with it. Get back to the flow and rhythm. Try to catch the wave.